I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
