I'm really into asian looking animals
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I faked an abortion last night.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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