How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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