On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
