I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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