I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
