Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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