I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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