After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
