holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You left your phone here
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