no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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