you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Floor bacon is actually really good
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
