I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He shit in the fireplace
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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