Im at strip club and am horny
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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