I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
