just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
