i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
