Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
