He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
