Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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