wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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