i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
