Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
