i think my tv is drunk
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize