i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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