oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
