I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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