its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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