I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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