Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize