i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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