i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
