I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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