i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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