I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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