when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
