Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
