Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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