so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
