I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
