i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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