My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
