i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
