His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize