You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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