The maid of honor just puked.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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