Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
