Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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