It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize