a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
