Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She tied me up with her honor cords...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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