I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she peed on how many people?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
