i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
