Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
