I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
