when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
